A few months ago I received a pretty well preserved copy of The Disaster Protection Handbook for School Administrators by the American Association of School Administrators, copyright 1959. This post covers the advice it showcases with satire and sarcasm.
It’s 1959, and the world is on the brink of destruction. But thanks to this handy dandy little guide, you – as the administrator of [INSERT EDUCATIONAL FACILITY] – can make sure the next generation can survive anything. No school in America can be certain that it is entirely safe from total and utter annihilation through threat of attack. From small nuclear bombs to bacteriological warfare, it’s important that you, as an administrator, have a detailed plan from start to finish memorized like the back of your hand. After all, where would these great United States be without the next generation of educated minds in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics?
It’s important to realize that not every disaster can be preventable, though. Prevention, in these days, is the first step to keep you and your students safe from harm. Each school should be equipped with a lightning rod, lowering the risk of any danger which may arrive through thunderstorms. Fireproof construction, control systems stationed around the building, and the elimination of combustible materials are all ways to prevent harm from fire created by arson or otherwise.
But not all disasters are preventable by you, the administrator. A lightning rod cannot prevent a Russian military takeover, just like a fire control system cannot prevent the overwhelming spread of communism throughout Europe and Asia!
The most destructive threats come from the enemies of the United States of America! These unconditional attacks on your educational facility may very well be what unleashes an all-out war! Nowhere on Earth has there been an actual experience of general attacks against civilian targets with maximum strength nuclear weapons – let’s just ignore the casualties from Hiroshima and Nagasaki for a moment, shall we? – which means we can only prepare for the worst case scenario in hopes of it never occurring.
World War II – the definite largest conflict in all of human history up to now – ceased after only two Japanese cities (the aforementioned cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki) were completely obliterated off the face of our planet. It should be realized that we have evolved our mankind-killing technology in the last decade. Since the end of the fiftieth or so war to end all wars, our government has raised funding through the roof to make sure nuclear weapons are capable of being even more deadly!
The whole massive arsenal used against us (and by us) in World War II is still available, and growing in strength!
We’ve massively improved our old weaponry alongside adding in new ones by their sides. Today, we have a jet plane that can outstrip a sixteen-inch shell. We have ballistic missiles capable of navigating the ionosphere at more than 8,000 miles an hour that can cross the ocean in minutes! We have nuclear weapons capable of giving off a blast equal to twenty million tons of dynamite… the world will be ours, and safe for “democracy”, even if we have to turn it to ash and dust first!
Even though we put an end to the enemies of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, we as a society must quickly discover that we have more enemies! The world is our enemy!
And with that, [INSERT ADMINISTRATOR NAME], we have some pointers to offer you on how to keep your school from being a target. To help prevent a disaster that we might have caused, this is your handy dandy copy of The Disaster Protection Handbook for School Administrators!
The first thing you, as an administrator, should do is check how vulnerable your educational facility is. Different disasters may occur based on where your school grounds are located. It’s kind of like fate, only preventable!
For example, some areas in the United States are more subject to pesky hurricanes and floods. But that’s nothing compared to what you need to worry about if your school is located in a major city within our jurisdiction! If an all-out World War III were to occur, a consolidated rural location is less likely to be subject to nuclear attacks than metropolitan districts. But, don’t worry, rural society! You can keep busy by learning how to deal with the unforgiving and unstoppable nuclear fallout!
To determine just how vulnerable your school may or may not be, you should really just check common sense. The past is important! We almost destroyed a country in the past, so we’re sure to try again in the future. Past experiences in your local environment can help you determine what your school is capable of witnessing.
But, hey! Don’t get too comfortable! If nothing’s ever happened in or around your school, it is still important to practice safety drills and bump up security. Those innocent civilians who died in Hiroshima and Nagasaki thought they had some sort of immunity – so you shouldn’t!
Within any building within our educational system, certain areas should definitely offer some sort of shelters. Maybe under a desk, for example! Some communities have found it helpful to survey the school, which kind of means opening your eyes and trying to find a place you could probably survive in if something were to go wrong.
We encourage school administrators to think of clever ways to prevent a nuclear bomb from decimating the school like they did in Japan. Don’t worry: our civil engineers are on the way!
But yes, our Republican government is encouraging schools to have these things called “safe spaces” so that kids and teachers alike feel more confident and calm in case of disaster. Little do we know that within sixty or so years, Republicans will be calling out “social justice warriors” on the “far left” for desiring “safe spaces” in public schools! They wouldn’t want people to feel confident and calm in situations which may hurt them! Hahahahaha!
In case things are just so fucked up that you as an administrator can’t rely on keeping your kids under desks and in cabinets, you should probably attempt getting everyone organized. It’s important to stay calm, keep kids in a single filed line, and have the slowly march out of the school before – RUNNING THE HELL AWAY FROM THE IMPENDING DOOM THAT IS UPON YOU.
In case of a natural disaster, (screw it, by this point you as an administrator realize this pamphlet is mostly about nuclear bombs and we’re just throwing in other problems like fires and floods even though you already know how to deal with those. In fact, you probably figured that out after seeing the little atomic cloud cartoon on the front cover.) you should probably just make sure your kids get out of the area affected in a quick and organized fashion.
If All Else Fails?
If When the community is completely destroyed (you think I’m kidding, the pamphlet literally has a section which starts off this way. Page 25.), we’re encouraging the local government to handle it. It’s about time states realize they have rights, and that the federal government can’t help every small public school when the nation is at war.
So, we’re basically asking that communities fix themselves if all Hell breaks loose. I mean, seriously! We need you focused on what really matters here: the fact that communism exists and we have to fight it! We need to track down every communist, and socialist for that matter, in our jurisdiction and halt the production of all sorts of social goods!
And we can’t do that if your school’s community is in shambles like those Japs at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
With that, you’re set! You’ve gained the intelligence necessary to keep your school safe from impending doom via nuclear weaponry. All you had to do was sit through the forty pages of bullshit that we’ve decided to hand off to you – a very special and competent school administrator that had to be clued in that humanity has created weaponry that could destroy everything in mere moments.
Thanks for reading! Now, go keep those students safe and learning good, clean, Americanism!