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Joseph Kaminski

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August 18, 2017

New Hampshire Primary Results


Alright, it’s time for an update. I’m pretty happy with my New Hampshire Primary Predictions. As expected, Bernie Sanders destroyed Clinton on the Democratic side.

As for the Republicans? Welp, I was wrong. For at least a few hours, the Republican side seemed to be a dead tie: with Kasich, Cruz, and Trump leading the polls at around 24.3%, with Bush and Rubio fighting for a third place position behind Chris Christie, who seemed stable at around eight percent. I still believe we’ll see at least one Republican drop out soon: and if we look at polling data, it might just be Carly Fiorina or Ben Carson.

So, before we get into the Democratic side — which is by far a more civilized race comparative to the GOP clown car of embarrassment — lets take a look at the Republican primary in New Hampshire, the Granite State. I did something similar for the Iowa Caucus, which you can read here.

New Hampshire’s Republicans

Candidate name Delegates Vote %
Trump (won)
10
35.1%
Kasich
3
15.9%
Cruz
2
11.6%
Bush
2
11.1%
Rubio
0
10.6%
Christie
0
7.5%
Fiorina
0
4.2%
Carson
0
2.3%
Paul
0
0.7%
Gilmore
0
0.0%

Let’s start from the bottom and make our way to the top, shall we?

Happy Gilmore, you’re going to continue as long as one person shows up, aren’t you? Well, the amount of people that showed up in New Hampshire for you increased by 800% compared to your Iowa results. However, it’s not enough. You’re still at zero percent. I like seeing you run this positive “I’m here for you if you’re here for me” strategy. But, honestly, please step back. If you can’t win these smaller states, you won’t even register on larger level states. You don’t even register in your own state, dude. Rand Paul, despite dropping out after a rather pathetic campaign, managed to do better than Gilmore.

Finally Carson will drop off of the political radar. After months of making a complete and utter fool of himself, the Holy Doctor might just decide to drop out after not even registering public opinion in the New Hampshire primary. The only reason he got to 4th in the Iowa Caucus is because of his religious status, but since then all religious support has diverted to Cruz. His hands CAN’T heal his campaign, and he’s seeing what very little support he had drop left and right. He’s resorted to posting incoherent psychobabble about “God’s vessel” on Twitter.

Fiorina, Fiorina. Drop out already. You’re caught in a web of lies, contradict yourself every three minutes, and have a failure of a past lingering over every step you take. Just quit while you’re ahead. You’ll get a Fox News job.

Chris Christie made a bit of a surge after RubioBot short circuited on national television last Saturday. For the longest time in the exit polls, Christie was outperforming Rubio by three percent — which is exactly what he needed. However, he fell short. This could be the end of both Christie and Rubio.

Rubio’s support DRAINED after his terrible debate performance. But let us excuse the notion that Marco Rubio has any idea what he’s doing. Let us excuse the notion that Marco Rubio has any idea what he’s doing. Let us excuse the notion that Marco Rubio has any idea what he’s doing. Let us excuse the notion that Marco Rubio has any idea what he’s doing. Let us excuse the notion that Marco Rubio has any idea what he’s doing.

Jeb! You did it! After spending like $30 million on New Hampshire advertisements! You made it! TOP FIVE! WE CAN CLAP FOR YOU NOW! New Hampshire does have a history with supporting establishment candidates on the Republican side, but…at least you did better than Rubio!

Cruz somehow stayed in the top three. Maybe God does exist after all. Then again, if he did, Cruz wouldn’t look like a sad televangelist sock-puppet on a Texan bible channel. Or maybe his daddy Goldman Sachs came through for him.

Kasich, my prediction for the Republican side, came in at a solid second place. I’ve said it a lot, I’m starting to sound like Marco Rubio with all this repetition, but I’m going to keep saying it. New Hampshire Republicans love establishment candidates. Who are the establishment candidates? Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, John Kasich. Rubio’s done, Jeb’s been done, and Kasich is on the rise. I had a suspicion Trump might pull through because, well, white angst populism and racism. But, unfortunately,  he managed to pull through. He’s asserted himself as the most stable establishment candidate. We’ll see if he manages to pull through.

Trump. He finally managed to win something besides a poll. However, we’ve already established this: he’s un-electable in a general election. I have a lot of theories on this man, but for right now we’ll stick to him being the Hypocrisy of the GOP.

New Hampshire’s Democrats:

Sanders (won)
13
60.0%
Clinton
9
38.4%

Thank you, New Hampshire, for Feeling The Bern! The media blackout has to cave in a little, and the political revolution Sanders has been wanting for so long might actually be starting in the Granite State. Of course, this primary really doesn’t matter much. Just as Iowa didn’t. But it’s a great start. A really really great start.

Clinton’s bullshit endorsement from Gloria Steinem perhaps further encouraged Sanders votes last minute after the “young women back Bernie because” speech. Bill Clinton’s hypocritical “Sanders Supporters are Sexist” speech probably didn’t help at all.

Bill “Fucking” Clinton probably shouldn’t have said that. In fact, Bill Clinton probably shouldn’t even be involved with Hillary’s campaign. As for the statements Bill said? Your side has the same kind of people. Have fun with that knowledge, but please. Please, I beg you! Keep bashing the other side while ignoring your own.

Now, I’ve said it before, if Sanders doesn’t win (the electoral vote) I’ll be supporting Hillary Clinton. The only Republican that comes close to her in my mind is John Kasich, and I doubt he’ll be able to win enough of his primaries. As for Bill? I honestly think this man wouldn’t support Bernie if he won the primaries.

I’m sorry, Hillary fans, but your candidate is getting a little desperate. We’re seeing a repeat of 2008: her lead is erasing itself. But, most of you Hillary supporters like Barack Obama. Give Bernie Sanders a try. 

But don’t worry, Hillary supporters, welcome to America. She’ll probably end up winning the electoral vote — the one that matters in the primaries AND the general. As for the popular vote? Sanders would and will win, no question asked.

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