Pastor in Chief Wins Iowa Caucus
While the Iowa Caucus really doesn’t matter at all, we tend to gravitate towards early “primary” states to see how our candidates might do across the country. Of course, we really shouldn’t care. It’s a small percentage of a small population in a small state that doesn’t get any media attention in between each four years. Even if the caucus took place in a larger and more prominent state, let’s just say California or New York in terms of population, I don’t necessarily believe that it would matter.
Now, the Democratic side was pretty close. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton basically tied — don’t try to deny it. The numbers were so close throughout the entire night and the final numbers shows us a clear result: less than .4% in between. Clinton was declared the “apparent winner” at 49.9% and Bernie Sanders received around 49.5%. Honestly, if there’s less than half a percent in difference, then it’s a tie. And then we have the Polk County Voter Fraud from Clinton’s side that was captured by CSPAN. But, that’s besides the point. I, personally, am going to fully support Clinton if Sanders doesn’t make the nomination.
Clinton is the “apparent winner”, Clinton and Sanders shared such similar numbers that a fucking coin flip declared Clinton the winner. Martin O’Malley, basically ashamed, dropped out of the race shortly afterwards.
Now lets take a look at the Republican side of this Iowa Caucus.
|Candidate||# of Delegates||Vote %|
How pathetic is this? Lets start from the bottom and make our way to the top.
Republican Results in the Iowa Caucus
Happy Gilmore over here made it into the double digits: 00%! Good for you, now drop out.
Rick Santorum, the winner of the 2012 Iowa Caucus, face-planted and failed horrendously this time around, as expected.
Chris Christie is still in the race, (surprise!), and managed to get the same amount of votes as Mike Huckabee, who dropped the hell out immediately after seeing his horrendously poor results. Christie expected to “over-perform”, and I guess he did. Almost-two-percent is the best he’s ever done!
Mike Huckabee, the idiotic bible thumper who’s read the Holy Bible about as many times as he’s read the constitution (ZERO), dropped out of the race after one of the most disgraceful campaigns of 2016 — gaining nothing but hate on social media as he pumped out hateful messages. It’s the moment I’ve been waiting for since he announced his campaign on May 5th of last year!
Kasich, someone I do feel sorry for, under-performed severely. He, the moderate of the entire Republican race since Pataki dropped out, managed to pull in point-one-percent more than Huckabee and Christie.
Carly Fiorina managed to drum up next-to-nothing support. Caught in a web of lies, pulling a Dukakis and taking pictures next to tanks, and not even showing up to her empty Iowa rally, Carly Fiorina has managed to run a campaign I’d put as low as Huckabee’s.
Jeb Bush, despite pumping out $2,800 per vote, rests at around 2.8%. Remember back in early 2015 when everyone thought this manw as going to be the sure-win on the Republican side and we were going to see a Bush vs Clinton?
Rand Paul surprises me at 4.5%, there’s really not much else to say. His fans are shocked too, honestly.
Carson, the scientist who doesn’t believe in science, takes fourth place at less than 10%. I don’t even want to talk about this man anymore, he’s a waste of intelligence.
Rubio, the empty suit with a good haircut who’s done absolutely nothing in the Senate, brings in 23% of the vote. Good for his supporters, which are mostly moderate evangelical college kids who want Rubio to win God’s fashion contest.
Donald Trump gets humiliated at 2nd place. This man, who’s tweeted at least TWICE a quote that sums up to “nobody ever remembers who came in second place”, came in second. The man who loves the polls, begged to win Iowa, and has an egotistical attitude that’s big enough to fill ten politicians came in second place. I don’t care what he says to the public. Behind those angry, sunken eyes, he’s depressed that he came in second. He wanted to win the Iowa Caucus. He lost the Iowa Caucus. He has to be pretty upset about it.
And then we hit first place: Ted Cruz. Let me get something straight. Ted Cruz is a terrible politician. A smarmy, insecure, greasy and corrupt man who’s been hiding in the shadows up until the last minute during this entire election season. A horrendous hypocrite, Cruz hasn’t really said one intelligible thing this entire year. His top endorsements and donors show a rather Corrupt and Criminal Cruz Crew.
His campaign is what Carson, Huckabee and Rubio dream their campaigns looked like: a religious “uprising” that has the attention of Christians everywhere. Cruz even looks like a sad televangelist that’s trying to sell you bibles on a low-budget television station. A weaselly, God-fearing man who hates gays, liberals, atheists, or anyone who isn’t a white, God-fearing man.
Congratulations, Iowa. Your caucus continues to leave a trend. You picked Huckabee in 2008, you picked Santorum in 2012, and you picked Cruz in 2016. All three are just sad, pathetic excuses of candidates. Ones that have no real political foundation because they have a problem with mixing religion and politics in a secular nation. It’s a good thing the Iowa Caucus really doesn’t matter at all: because you didn’t pick a commander in chief.
You chose, for the third year in a row, a pastor in chief.